WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE…
Online datingseems to be a ‘must do’ for all the Singletons out there nowadays, but it really isn’t for everyone.
It gets to the point where you receive one dick pic too many and it’s curtains on the whole online dating scene.
Quickly followed by ‘I’m never going to find anyone, oh my god why is this my life? I’m so done with online dating.’
All is good until a week later you’ve re-downloaded Tinder, set up a new Plenty of Fish profile and are now seeing if the fit lad you’ve just passed is on Happn so you can send him a ‘charm.’
But you don’t need to feel so down on yourself! I’ve compiled some tips to get through the world of online dating, they may not be for you, but you may enjoy the read…
1.) DON’T TALK TO ANYONE WHO DOESN’T HAVE AT LEAST TWO PICTURES
I don’t care what anyone says to you – there is no way on this planet a person doesn’t have at least two photos of themselves to show you what they look like.
And I’m not talking those screen shot ones where they’ve clearly grabbed it off somebody elses snapchat, I’m talking a proper picture.
It’s not about how ‘nice’ they seem – it’s how they can’t ‘find a picture’ or their ‘facetime doesn’t work’ – Jog on mate, we don’t have time for your blank face.
2.) AVOID ANYONE WHO STARTS THEIR FIRST MESSAGE WITH A PICK UP LINE OR SEX CHAT
You know the ones, there’s no standard ‘Hi, how are you?’ it has to be some cheesy or sleazy chat up line just to start the creeping off at full pace.
‘I’ve already married and divorced you in my mind..’
‘Do you have insurance? because I’m going to smash your back doors in!’
‘Hello, where would you like to go on holiday this year? I’m thinking we leave the kids with your parents and go skiing.’
Slow down you crazy person! (and yes, I’ve had all of these messages.)
I don’t understand how anyone can think that is a great way to try and speak to someone you’re interested in? Literally who put crack in their cornflakes for that to sound like a good idea?
3.) BE YOURSELF…
I can’t stress this enough, there’s nothing worse than someone who tries to be something they’re not.
First impressions are everything and if you’re coming across cocky or full of themselves. Alternatively to that someone who is ridiculously shy and doesn’t know what to say.
I know it can be tough but let your personality shine through, otherwise it’s a pointless endeavour when you meet in person and they’re the complete opposite of what you’ve been talking to!
4.) SOCIAL MEDIA STALKING
You’re probably going to want to take it upon yourself to search for this person across every form of social media that you have.
That’s all well and good (nobody wants to be catfished nowadays) but try and avoid adding that person on everything and also if you find yourself 40 weeks back on their instagram, it’s time to stop.
Facebook, Twitter and Instagram are fine – Linkedin, their blog, their ex girlfriend’s Facebook, their family members pages or stalking all over their other dating profiles are NOT.
Please don’t be that person that agrees with every single thing the other person says because you’re having one of those days where you feel like you’re going to die alone, we’ve all be there!
Potential Date: ‘I like rock climbing, it’s kind of a hobby of mine.’ YOU: ‘OMG me to, I go all the time!’ – whereas your head is saying: ‘I’m sorry, when was the last time you pulled yourself up onto anything other than the bar after you fell pissed last Friday?’
Potential Date: ‘I’m a vegan.’ YOU: ‘I don’t agree with the killing of animals for food either, my diet doesn’t really contain any meat.’ – whereas your head is saying: ‘You’d best get that chilli out of the slow cooker and put the salmon in the bin then yeah?’
The bottom line is it may work in the short term but when you’re at a restaurant gagging for steak across from someone who believes you’re equally just as vegan, think of going through that for the rest of your life – it’s not going to withstand!
6.) PUTTING UP WITH BEING SLANDERED…
7.) SHOULD THERE BE A FIRST DATE?
There should come a point during your conversation with this person where a mention of a first date should come about.
If you’ve been talking to someone and all of your conversations seem to be generically the same i.e. ‘how are you? – good – great – you look hot today – thanks.’ chances are a first date may not be the way forward, because you’ll be just as bored as that sentence.
If you two are having a good back and forth conversation then without a doubt a first date should happen – but don’t put all your eggs in one basket. They could be great at texting but a lackluster face to face conversationalist.
By all means swap snapchats, but if there is even a sniff of a dick pic coming your way ABORT MISSION.
9.) CHAT ETIQUETTE
If within the space of a week they’re putting more than a standard amount of kisses at the end of each message and they’ve started to give you pet names then it’s all getting a bit weird.
You have to be sensible here (and I’m speaking from experience) are they psycho? are they playing a game? are they really needy? Don’t be sold by all of the cute if it’s that intense so soon – it seems a little off.
10.) GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK
Don’t let your life be consumed by all of these online dating sites. Sometimes you need to take a break, people didn’t have the power of social media many moons ago so don’t make yourself believe this is the only way you’re going to get anyway.
Just log out of your dating sites, grab a glass of wine and hate the world for an hour, you’re allowed.