Top Ten Tips to Survive Online Dating

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WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

Online datingseems to be a ‘must do’ for all the Singletons out there nowadays, but it really isn’t for everyone.

It gets to the point where you receive one dick pic too many and it’s curtains on the whole online dating scene.

Quickly followed by ‘I’m never going to find anyone, oh my god why is this my life? I’m so done with online dating.’

All is good until a week later you’ve re-downloaded Tinder, set up a new Plenty of Fish profile and are now seeing if the fit lad you’ve just passed is on Happn so you can send him a ‘charm.’

But you don’t need to feel so down on yourself! I’ve compiled some tips to get through the world of online dating, they may not be for you, but you may enjoy the read…

1.) DON’T TALK TO ANYONE WHO DOESN’T HAVE AT LEAST TWO PICTURES

I don’t care what anyone says to you – there is no way on this planet a person doesn’t have at least two photos of themselves to show you what they look like.

And I’m not talking those screen shot ones where they’ve clearly grabbed it off somebody elses snapchat, I’m talking a proper picture.

It’s not about how ‘nice’ they seem – it’s how they can’t ‘find a picture’ or their ‘facetime doesn’t work’ – Jog on mate, we don’t have time for your blank face.

2.) AVOID ANYONE WHO STARTS THEIR FIRST MESSAGE WITH A PICK UP LINE OR SEX CHAT

You know the ones, there’s no standard ‘Hi, how are you?’ it has to be some cheesy or sleazy chat up line just to start the creeping off at full pace.

‘I’ve already married and divorced you in my mind..’

‘Do you have insurance? because I’m going to smash your back doors in!’

‘Hello, where would you like to go on holiday this year? I’m thinking we leave the kids with your parents and go skiing.’

Slow down you crazy person! (and yes, I’ve had all of these messages.)

I don’t understand how anyone can think that is a great way to try and speak to someone you’re interested in? Literally who put crack in their cornflakes for that to sound like a good idea?

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3.) BE YOURSELF… 

I can’t stress this enough, there’s nothing worse than someone who tries to be something they’re not.

First impressions are everything and if you’re coming across cocky or full of themselves. Alternatively to that someone who is ridiculously shy and doesn’t know what to say.

I know it can be tough but let your personality shine through, otherwise it’s a pointless endeavour when you meet in person and they’re the complete opposite of what you’ve been talking to!

4.) SOCIAL MEDIA STALKING

You’re probably going to want to take it upon yourself to search for this person across every form of social media that you have.

That’s all well and good (nobody wants to be catfished nowadays) but try and avoid adding that person on everything and also if you find yourself 40 weeks back on their instagram, it’s time to stop.

Facebook, Twitter and Instagram are fine – Linkedin, their blog, their ex girlfriend’s Facebook, their family members pages or stalking all over their other dating profiles are NOT.

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5.) LYING 

Please don’t be that person that agrees with every single thing the other person says because you’re having one of those days where you feel like you’re going to die alone, we’ve all be there!

Potential Date: ‘I like rock climbing, it’s kind of a hobby of mine.’  YOU: ‘OMG me to, I go all the time!’ – whereas your head is saying: ‘I’m sorry, when was the last time you pulled yourself up onto anything other than the bar after you fell pissed last Friday?’

Potential Date: ‘I’m a vegan.’ YOU: ‘I don’t agree with the killing of animals for food either, my diet doesn’t really contain any meat.’  – whereas your head is saying: ‘You’d best get that chilli out of the slow cooker and put the salmon in the bin then yeah?’

The bottom line is it may work in the short term but when you’re at a restaurant gagging for steak across from someone who believes you’re equally just as vegan, think of going through that for the rest of your life – it’s not going to withstand!

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6.) PUTTING UP WITH BEING SLANDERED… 

DON’T.

7.) SHOULD THERE BE A FIRST DATE? 

There should come a point during your conversation with this person where a mention of a first date should come about.

If you’ve been talking to someone and all of your conversations seem to be generically the same i.e. ‘how are you? – good – great – you look hot today – thanks.’ chances are a first date may not be the way forward, because you’ll be just as bored as that sentence.

If you two are having a good back and forth conversation then without a doubt a first date should happen – but don’t put all your eggs in one basket. They could be great at texting but a lackluster face to face conversationalist.

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8.) SNAPCHAT

By all means swap snapchats, but if there is even a sniff of a dick pic coming your way ABORT MISSION.

9.) CHAT ETIQUETTE 

If within the space of a week they’re putting more than a standard amount of kisses at the end of each message and they’ve started to give you pet names then it’s all getting a bit weird.

You have to be sensible here (and I’m speaking from experience) are they psycho? are they playing a game? are they really needy? Don’t be sold by all of the cute if it’s that intense so soon – it seems a little off.

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10.) GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK 

Don’t let your life be consumed by all of these online dating sites. Sometimes you need to take a break, people didn’t have the power of social media many moons ago so don’t make yourself believe this is the only way you’re going to get anyway.

Just log out of your dating sites, grab a glass of wine and hate the world for an hour, you’re allowed.

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Self Indulgent Bollocks…

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So as most of you already know I do this blog completely for the fun of it and a couple of weeks ago did a blog post on ‘The 5 Stages of a Hangover…’

I had a lot of positive feedback from it, it was completely lighthearted and I would like to think slightly funny!

I always welcome constructive criticism but what I find completely ridiculous and also pathetic is anonymous comments from people who don’t have the balls to put their name on the comments they make…

Here is Exhibit A – I got this comment last night when I checked my emails and if anything, it made me laugh.

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I enjoy the fact that my post has been called ‘self indulgent bollocks’ and yet this human being hasn’t even had the decency or the balls to put their name, or even a picture of themselves to back up their claims.

I’m all for people giving their opinion, if you think my blog is sh*t then don’t read it, I’m not putting a gun to your head and forcing you to read my content.

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At least I have the confidence to put my name at the top of these posts, if you’re going to blast me next time.. at least put your name so I can respond in accordance to the comment.

To be quite honest with you, that comment wasted a good 5 seconds of your life so well done.

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And for all of you who read my blog and enjoy it, thank you!

The 5 Stages of a Hangover

I’m writing this blog as I am witnessing the 5 stages of a hangover and I can tell you right now…it ain’t pretty.

We all go through at least one of these stages after a heavy night, I refuse to believe anyone on this planet wakes up feeling fresh as a daisy after chucking tequila down their throat faster than the speed of light.

So here they are, my ‘5 Stages of a Hangover…’

STAGE ONE: AM I ALIVE OR DEAD?
This is always the fun one.. and by that I mean the worst possible thing you can go through when you’ve rinsed the bar the night before.

The initial wake up is complete confusion, where am I? or, depending on what you actually did that night (no judgement) Who the hell is that?

Trying to sit up is torture. Your head feels like it has a weight attached to it, and the thought of making any swift movement knocks you physically sick. Being so delirious makes you question whether you’re even alive and the vast majority of the time, the answer will probably feel like a no.

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STAGE TWO: THE STRUGGLE
This is the in between phase, right before you are so hungry you want to eat your own face, so dehydrated that you could drink the ocean but still so ‘dead’ that any form of movement will cause both physically and mental stress.

You’re lying in your bed, you can see last night’s takeaway half eaten by the side of you, you stare up at your ceiling and count to ten.

‘I am definitely going to get up in 10 seconds… 3…2…1… nope.’

Well at least you tried…

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STAGE THREE: THE FEAR
This is just as Stage Two comes to an end, it’s the moment you’re led there and all of a sudden you get a sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach and your heart starts to race.

No you’re not about to throw up and you’re not having a stroke… it’s just the fear kicking in.

This then leads to the sudden scramble to your bag, out of nowhere stage two seems like a distant memory as you launch yourself out of your bed to make sure you came home with all the essentials.

Bank Card
Driving Licence / Any other form of ID
Money (Haha, that’s a joke – you spent it all)
Keys
Important item (lipstick / perfume / Hilarious Darth Vader condom)

Providing all is well, you settle, only to realise you’ve not yet checked your phone…great.

Those pictures that just went up of you on Facebook aren’t too bad… and then you see your snapchat videos…

And oh look, there is either one of the following:
1.) Countless messages to your ex about how much of a dick he/she is OR how much you miss he/she and ‘your’ song has just come on.
2.) A message, or worse, a snapchat has been sent to the person you fancy… it could be anything from ‘When are you actually going to take me out on a date?’ to something a little more…. explicit.
3.) Any kind of coded messages to friends or family of which you make some sort of confession.

If you’ve done any one of them, the fear is going to last until you see them again and you break the awkwardness… I feel for you, I really do.

STAGE FOUR: SELF LOATHING
You now know your dignity has been lost somewhere between the third bar and the dancefloor of a nightclub so it’s now time to eat the pain away…

Cue lying on the sofa with a blanket, various different types of nibbles (I’m talking crisps, dip, sweets, chocolate – all the essentials) followed by a full day of hating life, trying to piece the night together and telling yourself that you will never drink again.

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STAGE FIVE: ACCEPTANCE
As your brain starts to function towards the end of the day, as the food soaks up the rest of the alcohol and the water starts to give you life, you decide you had an incredible night and it was all worth it.

You’ll clean the mess up tomorrow, you’ve enjoyed your takeaway and you decide you’re going to avoid the person you’ve messaged for a while or an even better idea would be to pretend like you didn’t even remember sending the text because you were ‘so drunk you can’t even remember how you got home.’

Whatever happens these five stages are just a part of life, if you’re going to take the alcohol, you’ve got to be prepared for the bitch of a hangover the next day.

I’m currently on stage two… see you on the other side!

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Being Single is not a Disease…

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So how’s the love life?

Anyone on the scene at the moment?
How long have you been single now?
We would have invited you but we didn’t want you to feel left out, you know, because you’re the only single one….

How many times have you heard at least one these annoying questions over and over again from various different people prying into the depths of your love life?

I have been single for a fair few years now and I’ll be the first to openly admit, it can get a little frustrating, more so when you see the constant sickening array of couples on Facebook, sending each other love hearts and I love you messages when you know for a stone cold fact they are sat right next to each other under a blanket!

But then you flip it and know if you were in a relationship you’d be endlessly on your snapchat posting ‘date night’ pictures of your fit food and your fit partner.

I feel like unless you’re under 25 being single is ‘weird’ – I’m 24 and I’ve even got people wondering when I’m eventually going to ‘settle down.’ My brother is younger than me and he’s happily in a relationship, settled and living with his girlfriend (who is lovely) and I couldn’t be happier for him.

But… then there’s the pressure on the older sibling, the one who still doesn’t have a bloke in her life!

So what did I do? I signed up to Plenty of Fish and Tinder – if I had any faith in humanity left, it soon went when I joined those dating sites.

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Not only did I speak to some vile people on there, who quite clearly were only after one thing but I did go on a date with a couple and suffice to say they did not end well.

But I digress… my point here is that being single is not a disease, nobody needs to ‘hurry up and get themselves together’ in order to live a fulfilling and happy life.
Yeah of course I’d love someone to share my life with, but that’s just the thing, it’s to share my life with, not give my life too.

I have a good job, good family, good friends, a good gym regime and a bloody alcohol tolerance that I can continue with until the special someone sweeps me off my feet.

Enjoy being single whilst you can, because once you’re with someone you’re potentially stuck with them until you die!

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Why it’s time to kill The Simpsons…

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Fox has officially announced that ‘The Simpsons’ has been renewed for it’s 26th season but all hell has now broken loose because Harry Shearer, who voices a large proportion of popular characters has left/been fired – (it has yet to be completely confirmed as to whether he has left of his own accord or he’s been given the boot.) 

The show is now in turmoil, we’re losing very memorable characters such as Mr Burns, Smithers, Reverend Lovejoy, Otto and Kent Brockman.

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Although they aren’t members of The Simpsons family they are still vital members to the framework of the show.

But this really does pose the question – is it time for The Simpsons to be buried so everyone can continue to remember the ‘glory days’ of the show when it was in it’s prime and actually funny.

Over the past few years fans have argued both for and against the new episodes. The new generation of Simpsons fans seem to enjoy the new episodes were as those who have been watching since 1989 or, like me, have had The Simpsons thrust upon them since birth, are pretty appalled by the forced jokes and stupidity just to get laughs!

Don’t get me wrong I found the film brilliant but was that the turning point? Did the show need to die shortly after that?

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With the loss of such a poignant actor, it really does strike me that the end is near for the show. They are currently trying to replace the characters but I just don’t see how that is going to work.

I miss the days of ‘Grimey’ Homer wanting to go and watch ‘Honk if you’re horny in peace’ and the fact that he’s ‘missing the cook off.’

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RIP The Simpsons – Goodnight sweet Prince.

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The Kardashian Obsession…

Whether you love them or hate them, the Kardashians are EVERYWHERE!

There seems to be at least one article a day about them in the newspapers/magazines, whether it’s Kim’s supposed ‘weight issues’ (which is ridiculous, the girl looks flawless) Kylie Jenner’s lips or Kendall’s recent endeavors on the catwalk, they are consuming social media and are a constant topic of conversation!

But why the obsession with them? It doesn’t matter if you absolutely hate them, you’re still talking about them, and that’s the point.

Khloe’s latest twitter war with Amber Rose had everyone up in arms whether you were Team Khloe or Team Amber, Twitter pretty much blew up about it!

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We all know how the whole Kardashian saga started. Kim basically did a Paris Hilton and next thing you know her and her family have their own TV show.

I don’t mind the Kardashian’s, I’m just a little bit sick of seeing them EVERYWHERE! It’s a little bit annoying, I mean I like fashion as much as the next person but I just don’t think you can pass of Kim wearing what looks like a bin liner as ‘couture.’

Kylie Jenner is a beaut and at only 17 she does look great but do we really care about her lips? I mean the girl knows how to take a selfie but it’s pretty obvious she’s had some kind of fillers, which is unfortunate, a 17 year old already having work done is not exactly on the levels of ‘role model.’

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Now the latest drama is Kim’s new drastic hair colour. Has she gone bright green, orange, blue? …No… she’s gone Blonde.  I don’t know if you guys have noticed, but a lot of people in the world are Blonde.

Yet this has caused such a giant topic of conversation, people have even created hair charts of the different stages of Kim’s hair where people can vote which is best. The girl has gone Blonde maybe she’s just trying to switch it up a bit?

Although I do find the photoshopped pictures of her head on Draco Malfoy’s body quite hilarious! Either way I don’t understand the commotion, I guess it all boils down to escapism?

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It’s the same when watching soaps, or Big Brother etc. People enjoy peering into other people’s lives, real or fake to escape their own for half an hour and there is nothing at all wrong with that. I just wonder if sometimes we need to take a step back…

Some people will spend a fortune trying to look like Kim Kardashian, or they’ll spend hours trawling the internet just to be an absolute troll and slag her off.

The amount of abuse these girls must get on twitter is probably phenomenal but at the same time they’re now absolutely loaded and more than likely don’t care!

Whatever you think of the Kardashian clan, it looks like they aren’t going anywhere any time soon….

Taking your own advice and why it’s a bitch.

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Most of us are always very able to give friends or family advice, whether that be over a relationship, a crush, another friend, money, career paths, even what to pick at a restaurant – pasta is always the safest choice.

But when it comes to taking your own advice you might as well just jump into a volcano before you actually follow through with it.

I don’t really know what part of our brain is quite happy to dish out a million and one things when it comes to various advice topics but when you’re sat there yourself contemplating it, you just can’t calculate what to do, your brain just won’t register it.

The opposite sex is always one particular topic where the brain completely malfunctions when it comes to taking your own advice.

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You could be the ‘go to girl‘ when your friends are having a lad crisis but when you’re having your own you just cannot take the words of wisdom you gave to them and take it upon yourself to do the same!

So what do you do? You go to the  friend who came to you for advice, only for them to give you the same advice you gave to them, back at you, in order for you to even consider following through with it… how messed up is that?

Telling your friend ‘he’s a dick, why are you still with him? you need to end it!’ is all well and good but when it comes to you being in that situation you just can’t seem to say those same words in your head. It’s time to stand in front of a mirror and just say it to yourself, maybe that’ll work?

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We rely on other people’s opinions and advice so much we forget to look at ourselves. Even down to the simplest of tasks, choosing food when you’re out and about could start with… ‘I need your advice.’ 

Why? your friend isn’t eating the food for you, she/he doesn’t even eat meat and you’re asking whether you should have the rack of BBQ ribs or the double burger with onion rings.

You could quite happily sway towards one, but your friend will say another and you’ll go with that, yet you always end up regretting it when you take that first bite… ‘I should have gone for the massive baguette.’ 

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Whatever the case this will continue until all of time and space becomes a big black hole. It’s nothing to be ashamed of but maybe one day even if it’s just a small as choosing food, you’ll take your own advice as quick as you offer it out to those you care about.

However, whatever the case, when all else fails do an Elizabeth Taylor – Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick pull yourself together! 

Like the damn princess you are!

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